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Working on my sex life

Aleigha asks: I shouldn't have to do all this work to make my sex life what it's supposed to be. I thought it would be getting EASIER by now... instead, it's getting more difficult.

My reply: I took this question right to "sexpert" Emily Nagoski!

You are not alone! 

This is actually the #6 question in the appendix of  Emily Nagoski's newest book, COME TOGETHER: The Science (& Art) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections (page 301)

from Emily:


Yeah, that's the thing we've all been taught, right? That sex is just “suppose” to happen, easy, no matter what else we have going on in our lives? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but that is not and never how it works. Sex depends on pleasure, pleasure depends on the context; and the context…is not always in our control. I 100% own that my advice is much more complicated than “try handcuffs” or even “schedule sex.” You are right. I get mad about it too, sometimes. Why can't it be easier?


I recommend the positive reframe: It's not "difficult" or “work”; it's a HOBBY! It's a mutual interest on which you and your partner collaborate, because you both like it. And if you don't both like it…well, the problem isn't that it's so difficult, it's that it's not enjoyable enough to be worth the effort. Fix the pleasure, and the rest will follow.


If you are finding it difficult to be motivated because “it's not supposed to be this effortful," I recommend chapter 2 of Burnout, which is about assessing both our goals and the amount of effort we think they're supposed to require. Often, we get frustrated because something takes much more work than we believe it's supposed to, but actually that's just how much work it takes, and if we stop judging how much work it is, we feel more motivated and hopeful and able to notice our progress.


Nobody ever said it would be easy. I would say, though, that it can definitely be worth it.




from Shirley:


Join me on March 13 for a front row seat to my conversation with Emily Nagoski about creating lasting sexual connections: 

  • exclusive fireside chat with bestselling author & “SEXpert" Emily Nagoski

  • includes an e-copy of COME TOGETHER

  • plus an insightful discussion on sexual desire, the relationship to stress, real-life situations AND solutions…

  • I've invited some special guests who are bringing bonus content just for you

  • plus Emily will be taking more of your questions! 


Please note: the member and Emily are referring to partnered sex in this Q & A. 

Emily's other New York Times bestseller, Come As You Are , is an empowering game-changing book too as it includes my favourite reframe for pleasure--yes, with OR without a partner! Partnered or solo, this is a shameless invite to put your sexual health at the top of the list + check out the great things happening over at Intimate Wellbeing, my partners for the Emily Nagoski event on March 13!


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